Ok I’m not sure what came over me tonight. Maybe it was the 4 glasses of wine, maybe it was the peanut butter cheesecake, or maybe it was my hour long therapy session that left me asking myself LOTS of questions. Either way, it made me feel like it was necessary to chronicle it here with an audience. Soooooooooo the ever important question..why do we stay in bad relationships when we know they are bad, we have proof that they are bad, and everyone tells us that they are bad?? Here are some reasons that I have come to terms with….
In my household growing up with an addict, I was always the one that was telling everyone what they were seeing was not what they thought it was (aka, my sister was using and no one but me seemed to see that) So I began to doubt my own truth. Was I was the one that was crazy?? When I was telling everyone that the sky was blue, why was everyone telling me that I was wrong, why was everyone telling me that the sky was actually green?? Well this series of incidents made it hard for me to trust my own truth as an adult. So, here as a 28 year old I have realized that I end up being put in situations where it is easy to manipulate me into thinking that my own truth is not really TRUE. But see, what I have decided here in this moment is that, my truth is THE TRUTH. I know that the sky is blue and I know that no matter what anyone says….that will always be the truth. Sorry if I am not making much sense but follow me on this one…
Today I asked my therapist why it was so hard for me to let go of someone that I knew had wronged me, that was not nice to me, not good for me, and has no idea what LOVE even is. See LOVE is a series of choices. We choose to LOVE! Love is not just a feeling..LOVE is an action. So if you are the person who cheats, lies, steals, and then turns around and says that you LOVE the person you did these things to..then you do not know what LOVE is. As my therapist was preparing to give me the answer to why I stayed as long as I did I had some thoughts of my own…why did I seek LOVE and acceptance from someone like that? Why did I doubt myself? Why do I not pay attention to the red flags that are always right in front of me?? My therapist took a deep breath and smiled, “All you have to say is, this relationship does not work for me and if that makes me judgmental, mean, or uptight than that’s what I am and that’s who I am so you are not the right person for me if that is something that you cannot accept”. I realized that I have NOTHING to prove to anyone! I know that may sound a little harsh but I simply mean that I have learned that I’m a pretty awesome person and if someone perceives that as judgmental, uptight, boring, or mean…well then they must not know me very well. Either that or they feel shamed for their choices and that’s why they feel they are being judged. I was a communications major so my studies literally taught me how to read verbal and nonverbal language. If you are in a discussion with someone and they point out something that you have done wrong and your immediate reaction is to lash out at them, then you should inscribe GUILTY on your face bc you are!! People lash out when they feel defensive and we always feel defensive when we know that there is some truth being thrown at us. Hey, I get it…the truth is not always easy to hear….but it is always necessary to hear.
I do not claim to be a relationship expert and in fact….clearly I claim to be the opposite. But I do think that the process of setting the bar is essential to learning how to treat yourself. We teach others how to treat us and sadly, I must be teaching someone that it is ok to blame me for seeing an inappropriate text or video and I need to reexamine those things ASAP. If LOVE is a series of choices than my choices are now focused on loving the one that I am with…myself. I am angry and disappointed with how things turned out. I think every relationship we get it, we get in with the intention that they are never going to end (well if you don’t then that’s just a little crazy) so it’s natural that we feel defeated, disgruntled and some other D words when they do not work out. My advice (if you wanna take it) is always use every experience as a teachable moment and be gentle with yourself. We are not supposed to have all the answers but we are supposed to care enough about ourselves to take action when we know something or someone feels wrong. You do not have to justify how you feel….it’s how you feel!!! So now that my wine buzz is wearing off and I’m realizing that I have to get up and work tomorrow, I am saying goodnight. Go do something nice for yourself and don’t listen if someone has anything to say about it J