Saturday, September 10, 2011

Love the one you're with=LOVE YOURSELF

Ok I’m not sure what came over me tonight. Maybe it was the 4 glasses of wine, maybe it was the peanut butter cheesecake, or maybe it was my hour long therapy session that left me asking myself LOTS of questions. Either way, it made me feel like it was necessary to chronicle it here with an audience. Soooooooooo the ever important question..why do we stay in bad relationships when we know they are bad, we have proof that they are bad, and everyone tells us that they are bad?? Here are some reasons that I have come to terms with….

In my household growing up with an addict, I was always the one that was telling everyone what they were seeing was not what they thought it was (aka, my sister was using and no one but me seemed to see that) So I began to doubt my own truth. Was I was the one that was crazy?? When I was telling everyone that the sky was blue, why was everyone telling me that I was wrong, why was everyone telling me that the sky was actually green?? Well this series of incidents made it hard for me to trust my own truth as an adult. So, here as a 28 year old I have realized that I end up being put in situations where it is easy to manipulate me into thinking that my own truth is not really TRUE. But see, what I have decided here in this moment is that, my truth is THE TRUTH. I know that the sky is blue and I know that no matter what anyone says….that will always be the truth. Sorry if I am not making much sense but follow me on this one…

Today I asked my therapist why it was so hard for me to let go of someone that I knew had wronged me, that was not nice to me, not good for me, and has no idea what LOVE even is. See LOVE is a series of choices. We choose to LOVE! Love is not just a feeling..LOVE is an action. So if you are the person who cheats, lies, steals, and then turns around and says that you LOVE the person you did these things to..then you do not know what LOVE is. As my therapist was preparing to give me the answer to why I stayed as long as I did I had some thoughts of my own…why did I seek LOVE and acceptance from someone like that? Why did I doubt myself? Why do I not pay attention to the red flags that are always right in front of me?? My therapist took a deep breath and smiled, “All you have to say is, this relationship does not work for me and if that makes me judgmental, mean, or uptight than that’s what I am and that’s who I am so you are not the right person for me if that is something that you cannot accept”. I realized that I have NOTHING to prove to anyone! I know that may sound a little harsh but I simply mean that I have learned that I’m a pretty awesome person and if someone perceives that as judgmental, uptight, boring, or mean…well then they must not know me very well. Either that or they feel shamed for their choices and that’s why they feel they are being judged. I was a communications major so my studies literally taught me how to read verbal and nonverbal language. If you are in a discussion with someone and they point out something that you have done wrong and your immediate reaction is to lash out at them, then you should inscribe GUILTY on your face bc you are!! People lash out when they feel defensive and we always feel defensive when we know that there is some truth being thrown at us. Hey, I get it…the truth is not always easy to hear….but it is always necessary to hear.

I do not claim to be a relationship expert and in fact….clearly I claim to be the opposite. But I do think that the process of setting the bar is essential to learning how to treat yourself. We teach others how to treat us and sadly, I must be teaching someone that it is ok to blame me for seeing an inappropriate text or video and I need to reexamine those things ASAP. If LOVE is a series of choices than my choices are now focused on loving the one that I am with…myself. I am angry and disappointed with how things turned out. I think every relationship we get it, we get in with the intention that they are never going to end (well if you don’t then that’s just a little crazy) so it’s natural that we feel defeated, disgruntled and some other D words when they do not work out. My advice (if you wanna take it) is always use every experience as a teachable moment and be gentle with yourself. We are not supposed to have all the answers but we are supposed to care enough about ourselves to take action when we know something or someone feels wrong. You do not have to justify how you feel….it’s how you feel!!! So now that my wine buzz is wearing off and I’m realizing that I have to get up and work tomorrow, I am saying goodnight. Go do something nice for yourself and don’t listen if someone has anything to say about it J

Thursday, September 1, 2011

New Beginnings

Soooooo it's been a minute but life has been throwing me so pretty crazy curve balls lately so my time was limited. Fast recap....

I now have a new job, my family has made an appearance on the Dr. Phil show, my friends have gone MIA,  my x and I have been on a freaking merry-go-round for the last few months, I was asked to be Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding, and a new/old person is back in my life. My head is bascially spinning and I needed to just get it all out so here goes...

I will start at the beginning with the new job stuff. I worked in pharma for many years (3 to be exact) and then I truly thought that I needed to broaden my horizons and see what I else I was good at....found out that I am really good at pharma so after a 10 month hiatus..I am back doing what I love and what I seem to be phenom at. I have officially started but don't leave for training til Septemeber 11th (grrreat..I get to fly on the 10th anniversary). In the process of starting this new and exciting endeavor, my family flew to LA to appear on the Dr. Phil show. We completed an intervention for my sister and she is now getting the treatment she deserves for her drug addiction. The whole experience was a crazy tornado but was over and done in 3 weeks time. The show will air sometime in Oct or Nov so stay tuned as I'm sure it will be a great episode! My friends have gone MIA bc some have also started new jobs, some are planning weddings, some are never in town, and some are just..well...MIA. My x and I have been going round and round so let me catch you up on that...

After about a week of not speaking at all, he professed his undying love and guilt for not being the person I needed him to be. He said everything I have been wanting to hear for a long long time and I truly (studiply) thought we could work it out. Sheesh, even typing that makes me wanna punch myself in the face. What was I thinking?? Seriously?? The slow baby steps in the "right" direction  were just enough to keep me thinking that maybe he really did get it by now. But my unhappiness was very clear and has made it very difficult to move past all the things that happened. The moments that gave me a nice dose of reality were simple....Everytime we disagree on anything I get called boring, judgmental, and no fun (really sweet huh). I also found a video in his phone of him laying on a bed and a girl walking out of a shower with no clothes on headed toward her closet, while he said, "I'm just waititng for you". Hmmmm wonder what was going on there?? And his response to it will just make you laugh....he said, "that was waaay before I even met you and we didn't do anything. She was getting ready and just walked out like that". The video was created on March 7th 2011 according to his phone but he claims that the video was transferred from another phone that he had years ago. I mean.......SERIOUSLY???????????? Do I have dumbass tattooed on my forehead?? If so, please someone let me know so I can have it lasered off immediately!!! So I am more sure than ever that I have to completely cut ties. I just cannot even fathom having someone in my life that has no regard for anyone but themselves. I shutter everytime I think about that video bc truly I feel like I need to get tested ASAP to make sure I did not catch skank-itus from one of his many disgusting "girlfriends". I sware if I ever see any of those girls I may throw holy water on them just to see if they melt. PURE EVIL BITCHES...and obviously he is the devil reincarnate so I'm sure that's why they all hang together. Ugh I feel like I need a shower after typing all that...gross!

On a happier note, I have been asked to be Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding!! I am soo excited and since I have never been a MoH I have been doing non-stop research on how to make it the best experience for the bride and myself. I can't wait to plan the parties and give the's all going to be wonderful! They are a great couple and I do feel (no pun intended) honored! :)

The new/old person that is back in my life may sound confusing but follow me on this one.... Long long ago when I was just a girl, I went to elementary and middle school in the same city in which I now reside. To my shock and delight, I was apparently a hot ticket when I was in this stage of my life. I attribute most of it to the fact that I started developing really early and all the boys from 5th grade to 8th grade were just starting to realize that they liked female anatomy and I had plenty to spare back in the day. One of my apparent admirer's was a boy that I met up with again when I moved back at 22. We dated briefly, as I was much more interested in going out and partying than settling down in a relationship. I did the ever famous "fade away"...which is where you just stop answering the phone when they call hoping that they think you are just too busy and not a complete and total bitch. At age 25 we picked up where we left off and this time we dated for about 7 months. We ended things bc he was more interested in staying in ad playing house than going out and getting hammered. Sounds great right?? Well, I was still very much in my party girl phase so I felt like I was not happy just staying in all the time. He never did anything wrong but I just needed more. And now at age 28 he is back again. I am older and definitely more the wiser these days and I am trying to just take it day by day. We have known each other since were about 7 years old...aka 800 it's always nice to have a friend that you know cares about you back in your life. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that I want to take things really really need to rush into anything in life..esp if we are talking about the rest of my life...that may be a really long time. But I do think, in that same breath, that life is too short so dont waste too much time. Right now my focus is on the friendship part bc I do need time to heal the rest of my broken heart from these other knuckle heads that I keep dating.

All in all, I am feeling suprisingly good about life right now. I think that 2012 could turn out to be a great year. I mean 2011 has not even ended but I know that I have learned alot this year and I am happy to take that with me into next year. In 2012 I will be turning 29 and while that age used to scare me, now I feel like the lessons I am learning in my 20's are going to make me an even better person in my 30's. This blog is always very therapeutic for me so if there is something that you want to know more about than please let me know and I would be happy to divulge more gossip or bitchy wisdom :) whichever is more fun! Thanks for reading!