Something Old, Something NEW!

So first I wanted to share a video with you guys....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvtAnO1IS-0&noredirect=1 
This is the video of the preview for our Dr. Phil episode. It will air on Oct. 5th. Ok now onto the good stuff...

friend·ship

   /ˈfrɛndʃɪp/  Show Spelled[frend-ship] Show IPA

noun

1.

the state of being a friend; association as friends: to value a person's friendship.

2.

a friendly relation or intimacy.

3.

friendly feeling or disposition.

 

I just was curious lately as to what the definition of friendship even was and I actually find that this definition barely scratches the surface of what this word means to me. As I said before, Love is an action, and I feel the same way about friendship. Friendship has always been a huge priority for me and I would do ANYTHING for my friends. Because I have this intense love for my friends, I always have to be careful who I align myself with in friendship. I have been lied to, screwed over, yelled at, talked about behind my back (well this one has prob happened to everyone.. esp if you are a girl) and just plain ole hurt by friends. And to be perfectly honest with you...I'm not friends with those people anymore. Friendship is something that I work very hard at, and in fact,  maybe a little too hard. In the last 2 months I have barely spoken to any of my friends and I cannot even begin to tell you how guilty that has made me feel. But it is soo wonderful to pick up the phone and call my friends from highschool and college and talk to them about why I haven't been in touch and they do not even bat an eyelash about it. I am not saying that other friends have not been supportive but for sure that group specifically has been so understanding. And I just want to let them know how much I appreciate them for that...so thank you peeps :)

 

I have to be honest, I have thought a lot about whether or not to continue this blog in the last week or so. I was feeling very much like my divulging of information would be miscontrude as selfish or self absorbed. I felt like this blog was not allowing me to ask about the lives of others that read it, the people that I am not able to talk to everyday or even at all really. But after much consideration I came to these conclusions...

 

This is my blog and if you don't want to read it, don't. You have the divine choice to read anything that I write.. blog posts, emails, facebook posts, twitter feeds, etc. If you find my life and the things that happen to me to be overwhelming or overbearing and it's just to much for you to handle...I completely understand. As a friend told me this week..."I think for the most part, you just have more going on in your life than some people and the fact that you wanna share it with people doesn't mean anything other than that...you just wanna share it with people".

 

I legit to do not have a selfish bone in my body but I can totally see how someone could misinterpret my personality as being selfish. I am a very excitable, bubbly, passionate person and I love to tell stories, make people laugh and involve people in my life. I love feeling the closeness to people when I tell them a funny story of how I ripped my pants at the airport in the security line and had to sew them up at the airport bathroom (true story) and then they tell me an embarrassing story back. Or recently, when I told a father in my training class about my family's episode of Dr. Phil and he began to cry bc he felt like he wanted to go home and hug his kids...I love being able to connect with people like that. And I can see how someone may misundertand this as me wanting to ONLY talk about myself and not want to know about their life but this could not be further from the truth. I am genuinely very curious about other people and their stories. I love hearing about the single mom that is going back to school to become a nurse, or listening to all the details of my friends planning their weddings. I have never and will never talk, just to hear myself talk. And the people in my life that truly KNOW me will always see beyond the story to what the actual goal is in telling it...it's not about ME....it's about connecting.

 

Soooo I have to apologize to those that have found my story telling to be selfish, self absored, not invested, uninvolved with others, or even just a place for me to talk and them to listen. That is not who I am and most certainly not what the intention was. And if you find yourself falling into this category...than please let me know. I would never fault anyone for telling me how then feel when they feel it. But I can't say that I will be thrilled if the approach is to judge and breakdown.

 

Friendship should be about give and take. What can you bring to someone else's life and what do they bring to yours. Some friendships will not last forever, and that's ok. Some friendships will withstand the many tests of time and become stronger and stronger as the years pass.I also have seen in the last few months that you can make new friends that may become your best friends. I have had some pretty amazing women jump into my life recently and I could not be happier about them :)

 

I am for sure at the point in my life where I can see who is going to be standing there with me as I get married, have babies, and make 1,000 mistakes along the way. I'm pretty sure those people know exactly who they are too. For those friends, I just want to tell you that your patience and unjudgemental ears over the years are molding me to be a better person each and every day. In the times when my family has been distracted by tragedy, you have become my family. I thank God each and everyday for bringing you to my life.

Love the one you're with=LOVE YOURSELF

Ok I’m not sure what came over me tonight. Maybe it was the 4 glasses of wine, maybe it was the peanut butter cheesecake, or maybe it was my hour long therapy session that left me asking myself LOTS of questions. Either way, it made me feel like it was necessary to chronicle it here with an audience. Soooooooooo the ever important question..why do we stay in bad relationships when we know they are bad, we have proof that they are bad, and everyone tells us that they are bad?? Here are some reasons that I have come to terms with….

In my household growing up with an addict, I was always the one that was telling everyone what they were seeing was not what they thought it was (aka, my sister was using and no one but me seemed to see that) So I began to doubt my own truth. Was I was the one that was crazy?? When I was telling everyone that the sky was blue, why was everyone telling me that I was wrong, why was everyone telling me that the sky was actually green?? Well this series of incidents made it hard for me to trust my own truth as an adult. So, here as a 28 year old I have realized that I end up being put in situations where it is easy to manipulate me into thinking that my own truth is not really TRUE. But see, what I have decided here in this moment is that, my truth is THE TRUTH. I know that the sky is blue and I know that no matter what anyone says….that will always be the truth. Sorry if I am not making much sense but follow me on this one…

Today I asked my therapist why it was so hard for me to let go of someone that I knew had wronged me, that was not nice to me, not good for me, and has no idea what LOVE even is. See LOVE is a series of choices. We choose to LOVE! Love is not just a feeling..LOVE is an action. So if you are the person who cheats, lies, steals, and then turns around and says that you LOVE the person you did these things to..then you do not know what LOVE is. As my therapist was preparing to give me the answer to why I stayed as long as I did I had some thoughts of my own…why did I seek LOVE and acceptance from someone like that? Why did I doubt myself? Why do I not pay attention to the red flags that are always right in front of me?? My therapist took a deep breath and smiled, “All you have to say is, this relationship does not work for me and if that makes me judgmental, mean, or uptight than that’s what I am and that’s who I am so you are not the right person for me if that is something that you cannot accept”. I realized that I have NOTHING to prove to anyone! I know that may sound a little harsh but I simply mean that I have learned that I’m a pretty awesome person and if someone perceives that as judgmental, uptight, boring, or mean…well then they must not know me very well. Either that or they feel shamed for their choices and that’s why they feel they are being judged. I was a communications major so my studies literally taught me how to read verbal and nonverbal language. If you are in a discussion with someone and they point out something that you have done wrong and your immediate reaction is to lash out at them, then you should inscribe GUILTY on your face bc you are!! People lash out when they feel defensive and we always feel defensive when we know that there is some truth being thrown at us. Hey, I get it…the truth is not always easy to hear….but it is always necessary to hear.

I do not claim to be a relationship expert and in fact….clearly I claim to be the opposite. But I do think that the process of setting the bar is essential to learning how to treat yourself. We teach others how to treat us and sadly, I must be teaching someone that it is ok to blame me for seeing an inappropriate text or video and I need to reexamine those things ASAP. If LOVE is a series of choices than my choices are now focused on loving the one that I am with…myself. I am angry and disappointed with how things turned out. I think every relationship we get it, we get in with the intention that they are never going to end (well if you don’t then that’s just a little crazy) so it’s natural that we feel defeated, disgruntled and some other D words when they do not work out. My advice (if you wanna take it) is always use every experience as a teachable moment and be gentle with yourself. We are not supposed to have all the answers but we are supposed to care enough about ourselves to take action when we know something or someone feels wrong. You do not have to justify how you feel….it’s how you feel!!! So now that my wine buzz is wearing off and I’m realizing that I have to get up and work tomorrow, I am saying goodnight. Go do something nice for yourself and don’t listen if someone has anything to say about it J

New Beginnings

Soooooo it's been a minute but life has been throwing me so pretty crazy curve balls lately so my time was limited. Fast recap....

I now have a new job, my family has made an appearance on the Dr. Phil show, my friends have gone MIA,  my x and I have been on a freaking merry-go-round for the last few months, I was asked to be Maid of Honor in my best friends wedding, and a new/old person is back in my life. My head is bascially spinning and I needed to just get it all out so here goes...

I will start at the beginning with the new job stuff. I worked in pharma for many years (3 to be exact) and then I truly thought that I needed to broaden my horizons and see what I else I was good at....found out that I am really good at pharma so after a 10 month hiatus..I am back doing what I love and what I seem to be phenom at. I have officially started but don't leave for training til Septemeber 11th (grrreat..I get to fly on the 10th anniversary). In the process of starting this new and exciting endeavor, my family flew to LA to appear on the Dr. Phil show. We completed an intervention for my sister and she is now getting the treatment she deserves for her drug addiction. The whole experience was a crazy tornado but was over and done in 3 weeks time. The show will air sometime in Oct or Nov so stay tuned as I'm sure it will be a great episode! My friends have gone MIA bc some have also started new jobs, some are planning weddings, some are never in town, and some are just..well...MIA. My x and I have been going round and round so let me catch you up on that...

After about a week of not speaking at all, he professed his undying love and guilt for not being the person I needed him to be. He said everything I have been wanting to hear for a long long time and I truly (studiply) thought we could work it out. Sheesh, even typing that makes me wanna punch myself in the face. What was I thinking?? Seriously?? The slow baby steps in the "right" direction  were just enough to keep me thinking that maybe he really did get it by now. But my unhappiness was very clear and has made it very difficult to move past all the things that happened. The moments that gave me a nice dose of reality were simple....Everytime we disagree on anything I get called boring, judgmental, and no fun (really sweet huh). I also found a video in his phone of him laying on a bed and a girl walking out of a shower with no clothes on headed toward her closet, while he said, "I'm just waititng for you". Hmmmm wonder what was going on there?? And his response to it will just make you laugh....he said, "that was waaay before I even met you and we didn't do anything. She was getting ready and just walked out like that". The video was created on March 7th 2011 according to his phone but he claims that the video was transferred from another phone that he had years ago. I mean.......SERIOUSLY???????????? Do I have dumbass tattooed on my forehead?? If so, please someone let me know so I can have it lasered off immediately!!! So I am more sure than ever that I have to completely cut ties. I just cannot even fathom having someone in my life that has no regard for anyone but themselves. I shutter everytime I think about that video bc truly I feel like I need to get tested ASAP to make sure I did not catch skank-itus from one of his many disgusting "girlfriends". I sware if I ever see any of those girls I may throw holy water on them just to see if they melt. PURE EVIL BITCHES...and obviously he is the devil reincarnate so I'm sure that's why they all hang together. Ugh I feel like I need a shower after typing all that...gross!

On a happier note, I have been asked to be Maid of Honor in my best friend's wedding!! I am soo excited and since I have never been a MoH I have been doing non-stop research on how to make it the best experience for the bride and myself. I can't wait to plan the parties and give the speech..it's all going to be wonderful! They are a great couple and I do feel (no pun intended) honored! :)

The new/old person that is back in my life may sound confusing but follow me on this one.... Long long ago when I was just a girl, I went to elementary and middle school in the same city in which I now reside. To my shock and delight, I was apparently a hot ticket when I was in this stage of my life. I attribute most of it to the fact that I started developing really early and all the boys from 5th grade to 8th grade were just starting to realize that they liked female anatomy and I had plenty to spare back in the day. One of my apparent admirer's was a boy that I met up with again when I moved back at 22. We dated briefly, as I was much more interested in going out and partying than settling down in a relationship. I did the ever famous "fade away"...which is where you just stop answering the phone when they call hoping that they think you are just too busy and not a complete and total bitch. At age 25 we picked up where we left off and this time we dated for about 7 months. We ended things bc he was more interested in staying in ad playing house than going out and getting hammered. Sounds great right?? Well, I was still very much in my party girl phase so I felt like I was not happy just staying in all the time. He never did anything wrong but I just needed more. And now at age 28 he is back again. I am older and definitely more the wiser these days and I am trying to just take it day by day. We have known each other since were about 7 years old...aka 800 years...so it's always nice to have a friend that you know cares about you back in your life. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that I want to take things really really slow....no need to rush into anything in life..esp if we are talking about the rest of my life...that may be a really long time. But I do think, in that same breath, that life is too short so dont waste too much time. Right now my focus is on the friendship part bc I do need time to heal the rest of my broken heart from these other knuckle heads that I keep dating.

All in all, I am feeling suprisingly good about life right now. I think that 2012 could turn out to be a great year. I mean 2011 has not even ended but I know that I have learned alot this year and I am happy to take that with me into next year. In 2012 I will be turning 29 and while that age used to scare me, now I feel like the lessons I am learning in my 20's are going to make me an even better person in my 30's. This blog is always very therapeutic for me so if there is something that you want to know more about than please let me know and I would be happy to divulge more gossip or bitchy wisdom :) whichever is more fun! Thanks for reading!

To the "hoes" in different area codes....

So this weekend once again made me realize what awesome friends I have!! We went out, we had fun, and we forgot about the men in our lives that continue to rival a complete douchepocolypse! I also had a revelation about the world we live in today and the fact that soo much of what we hear about is men cheating. I have to blame some of it on the ladies. Yes ladies, I'm sorry but its my turn to flip the mirror and hopefully help some of you see what a HUGE problem you are contributing to. This of course will not apply to all women but you will know if I'm talking about you soo..LISTEN UP!

If  you are the girl that feels like the only thing you have to offer a suitor is your body, I'm talking to you. If you are a girl that finds out a guy is in a relationship or is married and you still get your flirt on, I'm talking to you. If you are the girl that whispers in a guys ear that you would be better than his girlfriend in sooo many ways, I'm talking to you. If you are the girl that says you don't have any girlfriends but you have tons of guy friends, I'm talking to you. If you are the girl who would breakup a relationship or marriage and not care, I'm talking to you. I have one question to ask you.....WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????

You are making it very difficult for ALL women to have any sort of camaraderie. Yes of course its his fault for cheating and trust me.....he will have to answer to a much higher power someday. He is at fault for not dismissing your advances and giving in to your seduction but, why are you seducing him to begin with?? Is it some fucked up power trip that you can get a guy to leave his relationship?? Is it bc some girl did it to you and you feel you have something to prove?? Why not look at the guy who told you that he is in a relationship and is still hitting on you, to get a life and go flirt with his significant other. Be offended for his partner...it could be you one day! Wouldn't it be nice if all girls decided that we would no longer even entertain the idea that a man can cheat. Don't let him have the chance!

Last week it was clear that I had a little bit of rage!! I felt like all the girls that inapporiately flirted and knew "he" had a girlfriend, were directly slapping me in the face. Don't ask for a guys phone number if you KNOW he has a girlfriend....it's gross and makes you even worse than him!! I have discussed Facebook many times and my thoughts on it are pretty clear. Facebook=The Devil!!! If a guys profile says that he is "in a realtionship" the word LOVE better not come out of you mouth (or typed from you fingers) unless he is your brother, father, or family relative in any way. Even if you are "friends" with a guy and you think you are just such such such good friends....back it up when he has a girlfriend! Its rude, inconsiderate, and extremely disrespectful! Ohhh and if he doesn't write that stuff to you...than you even more so do not have the right. His girlfriend and he will be sharing the "I love you's" from here thanks!

A guy last week reached out to me on Facebook and said, "hey beautiful". I looked at his profile and noticed he was "in a realtionsjip", so this caused me to snap!!! I wrote him back the following message, "Hello. I noticed on your profile that you are in a relationship. I find it incredibly offensive that you would reach out and try to hit on me on Facebook. If you want to flirt with someone, flirt with your girlfriend. You've just been blocked". Basically to paraphrase, "here is your ass...I think you dropped it". So hunny, whoever you are...I got you! Your man will certainly not be hitting on me anymore and hopefully he learned something. If you are in a relationship....do not reach out and hit on other girls on Facebook. If you want to be single...be fucking single!

So ladies, if you are the girl that just has to flirt with boys (trust me I get it..flirting is awesome) please flirt with a guy that is not committed to someone else. Because if he is flirting with you and you somehow weasel him out of that realtionship....he's gonna turn around and do the same thing to you at some point. Let's be better than that! As girls, lets set the bar a little higher for ourselves. And if  you are "that girl" and you read this and still don't care....well you are an idiot!  You can either choose to be with us or against us....against is not nearly as intelligent. My educated friends with amazing jobs will be your hiring manager someday and guess what....THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL WE'RE HIRING YOU WITH THAT ATTITUDE!! So go get some self esteem and realize that you do have more to offer than just sex but you have to be willing to throw a drink in his face to see that.

In conclusion, be appropriate and think about other people's feeling once in a while. What if you were the girlfriend or wife?? How would you want the girls to proceed?? Don't let the guys get away with all this cheating! We have to set the bar! That is all and I'm sorry if I was harsh but sometimes the best love..is the toughest!

Birds of a feather....

So it's on to Day 4 and for the first time this week I did not cry all the way to work. In fact, I didn't cry at all this morning. Maybe it's bc I got really into making sure my Audrey Heburn look goes unscathed today. I decided on a black sheath dress, high black strappy heels, crystal drop earrings and a killer up-do. The hair is getting more attention than I ever expected...and from all the boys in my office no less. Well, I mainly work with men so maybe it's not that shocking. Even though my eyes haven't been stained with mascara filled tears yet, last night was a much different story..

While watching So You Think You Can Dance, I had a pretty sad little break down. The kind of breakdown where you know if you picked up the phone to call someone they would immediately jump in there car and drive over to your house in fear that you may just end it all. I decided against calling anyone bc I knew the tears would pass and the breakdown may honestly make it easier to sleep. Although I did fall asleep fairly quickly last night, I woke up at 4:30 am and stared at the ceiling til 6. In my staring daze I had soo many thoughts running through my head and it really relates to one of my favorite sayings, "you are only as good as the company you keep". This is also commonly referred to as "birds of a feather, flock together". It brought back soo many memories of who "he" is associated with and I thought I would over-analyze just a tad :)

His best friend is someone that I do not trust as far as I could throw him! I saw him parade a new girl to each party we attended for what seemed like months. I'm sure it was probably only like 3 times, but it disgusted me all the same. If this dude were single and proud, I would laugh off this "player-like" behavior but instead he was in a committed relationship..or so SHE thought. I would hear her talk about how happy they were and how much she loved him, and then I'm seeing him with the skank squad everytime we interact. I told my "x" that I felt uncomfortable being around someone who has no regard for how to treat women, and especially a woman he was in an apparent relationship with at the time. "He" made me feel like I was being judgemental and that the girlfriend knew about these torrid affairs and she didn't care. She knew what she was getting into with him and she was ok with it. But was I ok with my BF having the idea that this was ok?? Was I ok with letting him spend time with someone who thought cheating was perfectly acceptable?? Well, apparently I was bc I did not walk away at the first sight of this bad company/birds of a feather incident. If birds of a feather flock together....then obviously I was with someone that probably went around parading skanky women at parties I did not attend or know about, and I'm sure everytime I came back around his friends looked at me like I was stupid. Well for all the people that perhaps knew something like that was happening and did not tell me...FUCK YOU!!!! You are clearly friends with "him" bc no friend of mine would let that shit slide!

If birds of a feather flock together than to set my bar, I will not be associating with the following people who have friends with the following qualities...

-Liar
-Cheater
-Womanizer
-Stealer
-Drug abuser
-Liar
-Non-communicative
-Disrepsectful
-Hypocritical
-Liar
-Perpetually late
-Selfish
-Have I mentioned that I will refuse to be associated with ANYONE that is incapable of telling the truth?? Just in case you haven't gotten it yet....I HATE LIARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you claim to be a Christian....why can the truth never come out of your mouth??? I don't expect everyone to tell the truth all the time but hey.....90% is not too much to ask!! And you know....I deserve the truth 90% of the time!!!

So if you are surrounded by people in your life that are only in it for themselves and they don't really care who they hurt along the way, do yourself a favor and RUN THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM!!! They are bringing no value what-so-ever to your life and you are not setting up a good group of birds to flock with.

I think I will stick with my birds that are caring, loving, patient, kind, self-less, and most importantly...HONEST!!! If you are only as good as the company you keep....I am in really good company!

Calling ALL Troops!

Ok so under the advice of counsel, a.k.a some friends, I have decided to chronicle what is sure to be a very entertaining read. I am calling all troops on this one bc I finally ended the relationship I have been in for almost 2 years. I am 3 days in and so far....not that great. I basically got to the point where I decided I was not setting my bar very high. Never answering the phone, not knowing where he was, crying all alone and wondering who he was with and if he was in any way honoring the relationship. It's quite exhausting to be with someone like that and I guess I put up with it bc I wasn't ready to see that I deserve more....soooo much more!! So here is the emotional roller coaster I have been on thus far...

Day 1: Breakup happened in the morning so I spent the better half of the day crying my eyes out. The final straw came when I discovered that some of his "friends" were unaware that he was even in a committed relationship. Of course these "friends" were female and I find that this is no accident. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I found it impossible to eat anything while at work. The upside to people seeing you in pain is that they feel the need to tell you that you are beautiful, successful, wonderful, and will meet someone someday that will never make you feel unappreciated. I actually love this part bc it is quite nice to hear such endearing words. It also made me realize that I must be a pretty damn good person if everyone wanted to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear for venting. As the day approached its end at work, I got a call that "he" was at my house and I got soo nervous. Why did he go over there without asking me? Why did he feel he could just invade my space whenever he wanted. I guess that action was symbolic of our relationship....he got to do whatever he wanted and I just had to deal with it. I guess he was collecting his things and he was gone by the time I got home. I walked in, walked the dog, and walked out. I rushed over to a girlfriends house to avoid the awfulness of being alone in my house that he had just "de-boyfriended". I ate for the first time that day and even made a few jokes later that night. I was feeling proud as I went to bed that night. My friend looked and me and said. "Day 1 Mal....you made it through". This was a beautiful phrase to end that day.

Day 2: I woke up at 5 am and felt a pit in my stomach. Did I dream it?? Did it really happen?? I went through my normal routine and then when I went to open the fridge, I lost it. I stood in the kitchen and cried for what seemed like an hour but then I wiped away my tears and headed to work. I am not gonna lie, I had to call 2 people on my way bc I just didn't think I could make it through my 40 min commute without getting talked all the way to the office. As I got to work I just felt defeated. Why did I let someone make me feel that way?? Why did I not walk away when he was texting other girls? Why did I not walk away when I could never get a hold of him? Maybe it was bc I wanted so badly for him to become the man I got glimpses of from time to time. The one that inspired me to have a closer relationship with God. The one that would talk to me about our issues. The man I walked away from was none of those things. He told me that he had been "over it for a year", and that conversations with me were "worse than conversations". These 2 phrases play over and over again in my head on Day 2 and I try to focus on the fact that its over and I dont have to doubt myself anymore. I try to focus on the fact that I don't have to worry about what he might do to me or against the relationship. I go get my oil changed during lunch and another moment of symbolism hits me right between the eyes. "He" had told me that he was going to fix my tail light bc the bulb was burned out. I believed that he fixed it. As the mechanic pulled out the bulb he said, "well hunny, someone lied to you bc this bulb is totally burned out". Huh, that mechanic had no idea that what he just said was beyond appropriate. I guess he could see the look of dissapointment on my face bc he leaned over and whispered, "it's ok, I won't charge ya for it". Day 2 ends with phone conversations with friends and very little sleep again....

Day 3: The drive in to work was tough again. Did I happen to mention that "he" lives across the street from me and I have to drive past his house every day. Yeah so I get to work and am feeling really stupid. I feel like he is just running around doing whatever he wants. I told him that I needed the week but after I hung up the phone and felt relieved..I knew it was over for good. Maybe he is thinking that I'm just upset and I'll get over it. Maybe he thinks that he is not sad at all bc he was apparently "over it for a year". I have decided to pull back the mask I have been wearing for almost 2 years and tell some of my close friends what was really going on behind closed doors. I feel guilty for not telling them, but I wanted soo badly for things to work. I wanted soo much for him to see what he was doing to me and to us, but I'm pretty confident now that those wishes are way to far from my reach. I want a partner! Someone who thinks of me and wants whats best for us not whats best for them. Ughhhh its soo frustrating to reapply mascara 20 times a day but it is what it is. I must say though that I am always blown away by my friends during these times. My friends have not missed a beat!! I am busy for the week and the weekend is seconds away from being completely planned. Week 1 if far from over but 3 days in and I'm still alive. 3 days in and I'm still hopeful that this is for the best. 3 days in and I'm feeling each day like I'm getting little peices back that I gave away. 3 days in and I think....I'm gonna be just fine :)

Crazy Towne is always nice this time of year...

Ok so everyone is aware that women are a little crazy! There are no exceptions to this rule. There are women who are less crazy than other women, but for the most part we all book a first class ticket to Crazy Towne every now and then. I have been to Crazy Towne once or twice and as I get older I am more and more aware of the triggers that aid in getting me there faster and decipher how long my stay will be. If you have read the post about the "basketball incident" you have a window into the concepts I will delve further into in this post. Here are the things that make me feel the desire to breathe fire!

1) Facebook is the devil: Being in a relationship and having Facebook is an uphill battle every time. I know that I cannot control what other people post on my BF's wall and every single thing can be misunderstood because the context is lost in translation. I will give you an example....I had a few pics of myself that I posted on FB and a friend of mine made a comment about me that hurt my feelings. I called my BF and he was very sweet and made me feel much better. My mom was cute and made a comment about the pic to show that she thought it was a great pic..gotta love that my mom will always defend me to anyone that has a problem with my pic posting! Sooooooo in seeing things that my BF posts bc it always pops up on my FB, I saw that he had a friend go through a similar situation. When he saw the flack the poor girl was getting he immiediately responded by saying, "as her agent, he wanted all hating to stop bc her face was going to determine the success of their future". I think my eyeball started twitching when I saw this. I get that it's a friend and I think I would care waaayyy less if she was not cute but she is very pretty and so I suddenly start to hear the choo choo of the Crazy Train coming my way. I have never met this girl and I have never heard him talk about her. It is on FB so it's not like he is trying to hide anything but why did he comment on her page and not my page when I'm the one that actually called him crying. ALLL ABOARD!! See how that happens...now I'm getting my ticket stamped for a ride straight into Crazy Towne...population: ME.

2) When I'm not at work, I hate making decisions. I make decisions all day long. I want a man in my life that tells me what to do sometimes. I don't want to be the one to decide where to eat, what to watch, when to clean, what to cook..the list goes on and on. Let me give you an example of this...Yesterday at work was a loooong day. I had some amazing appointments that really left me exhausted. By 2 pm my earlier decision to go to the grocery store was a fleeting idea. I just thought of the whole process..shopping in heels, driving home in the rain, taking all the groceries up the stairs, putting them away, taking out what needed to be cooked, putting everything away after I cooked, cleaning the dishes...OMG are you exhausted now too?? It just sounded awful so I called my BF and said that I no longer wanted to go to the grocery store so I was gonna grab food on the way home and what did he want. Well I guess I threw a wrench in his whole night bc he thought he was eating home cooked food so now he didnt know what he wanted to eat and was irritated with me about making him try and make a decision about his food preference right then. I was totally annoyed with myself but it was bc I was really tired and seriously just needed to go to bed. Then when I finally decided what I wanted I grabbed him food also and of course as luck would have it...he gave me a "don't get sweet tea from this place again..its sucks". So now I'm feeling like a failure bc I didn't realize exactly what type of sweet tea he liked and does not ever like. This scenario takes me straight to...yep you guessed it Crazy Towne. This is a different type of ticket though...it's to hang out in the SadVille Pub only..it does not allow me to go anywhere else within CrazyTown.

3) General unawareness of my mood and feelings: Ok this is where all men fail miserably and women seem super duper difficult and crazy! When I get together with my GF's it always amazes me that they know exactly what to say, when to say it, and they do this even when I might not be fully aware of what I even need....they are all psychic and its absolutely incredible! We give each other endless amounts of compliments and make sure we all feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. Now I go spend time with my BF and expect him to do the same which is a totally unreasonable expectation bc he rarely knows exactly what I need to hear..I have to tell him! This makes me and every girl I know CRAZY! We want you to read us like we read each other and we do realize that this is not possible but we wish...oh how we wish...you just did it all the time without us having to tell you. This scenario can be plugged into any marriage, BF/GF relationship and it will ensure that a woman will jump on the CrazyTown train and may not come back for days!!!!

So in conclusion, it's annoying to be me sometimes bc I wish someone just knew what went on inside my head so that they would act accordingly. I would never want a ticket to Crazy Towne ever again! Until that day comes...I'll see ya there ladies! I call dibs on the Swirling Tornado of Anger ride..it's my FAV!

Total case of the Mondays...

So it's only 10:30 and I already want to crawl back in bed and watch Fashion Police where they will be judging all of last nights Oscar gowns. I just feel like work should be optional on days like this. Days where you know you are not going to be as productive as you would like bc all  you can think about is when you are gonna get to jet out of here at lunch and what are you doing when you finally do get home from work for the night. The only thing I enjoy about this day is my outfit... khaki colored dress pants, a flowly floral top with a cropped blue cardigan and a chunky beaded necklace with wavy hair to prepare for the storm that will hit just in time for me to drive home tonight. When I left the house this morning I was thinking of all the things I would like to be doing today and the first includes a revamping of my guest room. Right now it is being used as my laundry room. I wish I could hire a closet organizer like Kim Kardashian to just go do it while I'm at work. I also wish that I had a cleaning lady to clean while I'm at work. Whenever I think of things like this I realize that I am destined to be filthy rich bc I find these activities far too trivial for my seemingly fabulous life. Nope, I think I'm just kinda lazy. I like to have a day where I do absolutely nothing but watch mindless TV and flash in and out of consciuosness. But the problem with that day is that now I still have some laundry to do, I still need to go to the grocery store, I still have to swiffer the hard woods, and I have neither the energy or time to do all those things when I get home tonight.

I was much more aware of my eating habits this weekend which was good and bad. Good bc I did not consume a months worth of calories within a 2 day span. Bad bc I ate very little before my all day drinking on Saturday which led me to be less than even slightly productive yesterday. So the weekend score stands at, Chardonnay 1, Mal 0. The lesson here is that if you want to drink 5 or more glasses of wine, eat more than 5 bites of blackened salmon salad. Just sayin...

On this day where I will use any excuse to do anything but work I am drawn to racapping the events of last night and this morning. Last night was the Oscars and all I will say is that I clearly need to see the Kings Speech. It won like every single award! I was glad that Natalie Portman won for Black Swann. As freaky as the movie is...she was fantastic in it. I loved that everyone gave very emotional thank you speeches about their significant others. I feel that if I ever gave an Oscar speech it would totally be from the heart and not a list of people that I read off a scrap napkin.

I also saw on the news this morning, before the Oscar talk began again, that Charlie Sheen is starting to do a series of very crack filled interviews for network TV. His first was this morning on the Today Show. All I can say is WOW! Let me cut a piece from SNL here...it's called Really Charlie Sheen? Really???

Really Charlie Sheen? You thought that no one would notice your sunkin cheeks and seemingly gaunt complexion? Do you seriously think people are dumb enough to believe that you are "off" drugs?? Really? And do you really expect all the addicts in the world to believe that you cleared your addiction with your mind? Really? And did you just refer to yourself as a super star from Mars? Really? And now you are asking for 3 million an episode bc of what CBS has put you through. Let me just see if I have this correct....You are the addict that acted beyond selfishly, went on a rant about the writers on the show, got all these people out of work, went on yet another rant about how good you are at "winning", and then YOU deserve an apology and 3 million an episode? REALLY?

This guy has really lost his damn mind! I feel bad for his family bc I'm sure they are beyond embarrassed. I hope that he gets some real help and then he can look back at this on an episode of Oprah 10 years from now and explain what drug he was on when he conducted every single one of these interviews. He is slated for another interview on GMA tomorrow so I'm anxiously awaiting the giant car crash that has become his life. I'm watching for sure bc I really can't even fathom what life would be like when you are that arrogant!

Ok well thats it for today. I guess I need to go earn my paycheck now...even though I really don't want to....please imagine me stomping around like a bratty 5 year old bc that's what I wish I could do at this second. I guess I'll settle for drinking my water bottle and counting down the seconds until I get to go take a 20 minute snooze in the car at lunch time.

Who invented Body Image anyway??

So in several conversations I have had this week I have seen a common theme..BODY IMAGE. This is one of my least favorite topics but this week I have decided that maybe that's because I usually avoid the conversation when I'm having a bad body image week. And clearly Sunday my own insecurities pushed me into crazy town and this happens to us all. Am I right ladies???

I did this little experiment with a friend of mine last week to show how distorted everyones own image is of themselves. She showed me a picture and said, "this is what I think I look like". The picture was of Cheryl Burke (Dancing with the Stars) and while Cheryl is a beautiful girl, my friend is like 20 lbs smaller. So I then went into my handy dandy lap top to show my friend what I think I look like. I am sorta embarrassed to tell you what I googled to show her...ummm....ok I googled "fat girl". Sooo sad! I showed her the picture that I thought looked the most like me and she was shocked and laughing at the same time. She said that this picture was of a woman that was "3 times my size". This whole experiment really got me thinking. What do we really look like and will we ever see it or are we too wrapped up in our own image of what we think we look like???

We diet, we work out, and even in our younger days I'm sure some of us did other things like straight up starving or throwing up everything we ate. Why do we torture ourselves?? Isn't the real issue just to be healthier?? And if being healthy is the only thing then why do we sabotage and eat bad food?? I mean I totally get that it tastes good. I have finally had to come to terms with that fact that I may or may not have an addiction to french fries. But it just kinda baffles me that when we do eat the bad food, we mentally abuse ourselves for hours after ward...it really makes no sense.

All this inquisistion came to a head last night when my BF was telling me to drink this nasty green stuff that he swears by. I bought this plastic water bottle that has the thing you put in the freezer so that water is cold all day in it.  It also comes with a glorious straw that ensures I am not even aware of the insane amount of water that I am actually drinking. This amount of water drinking is good until I am in the bathroom every 20 minutes. Well, my water bottle thing was jacked by my man candy and now he drinks this nasty green stuff mixed with water and trys to get me to drink it every chance he gets. Listen honey, I don't want to drink your swamp water!!! So last night when my stubborn attitude reared its ugly head again we got into a very interesting discussion. He said he wants me to drink it because it helps with the pH levels in the body. I was adamant about not wanting to drink this stuff and throwing in every single thing I do to ensure I am healthy 70% of the time and then he got to throw that back in my face because I am in fact a......SMOKER.

This conversation was him telling me that he does want me to die young and that I should really just be more conscience about some of my more bad habits. Here are some things I asked for clarity on from him that amazed me....

1) Do you think I'm fat?
2) Why do you think I'm sooo "unhealthy" just bc I smoke??
3) Why can't you just except me for who I am??

Ok I laughed at them later in the conversation bc clearly he never said I was fat or that he does not except me but it was interesting that I heard those things. It doesn't take a veteran therapist to know that I clearly have some issues about myself that I need to work out on my own. I guess those old body image issues will jump out at ya even when you least expect it. Should I be healthier...of course. My weekend "I'm allowed to to eat whatever bc I'm sooo good during the week" attitude needs to be bridled. I also 100% need to stop smoking...I know I know..please no lecture...I get them all the time from everyone I know. And I really need to except myself for who I am and what I look like.  So I don't have the best body image..I'm workin on it! So I have an addiction to french fries....now I just need to learn how to enjoy them baked and with minimal salt and I'm golden (no pun intended).

In conclusion, I'm still not drinking the nasty green stuff but I am open to the idea that with better eating habits comes better body image. You look good=you feel good...makes sense to me. But I also want to stress that the reason these things correlate so well is that if you truly love yourself enough then you will want to feel good about yourself so you should stay away from all things that would potentially harm your body or your body image. This concept is soo much easier said than done. Women are constantly judged by how we look not how we feel we look so its an uphill battle everyday. Guess its baby steps and little reminders that feeling good about yourself tastes waaaayyy better then any food.

Until next time....

Is Basketball prettier than me???

Ok time for another vent session!!!

So last night and most of yesterday was a very chill day. After church my BF and I came home to watch scary movies and relax (and who doesnt like to watch violence after a meeting with God?? Ok its weird I know). I fell asleep during the movie and then he fell asleep after and woke up just in time for the NBA All Star game. I was well aware that this game was coming on so before it started I did my good GF act of ordering food so he didn't even have to get up off the couch other then to go to the bathroom. Since the night before I had promised him a massage at around 9:30 I told him that an hour later we would commence with said massage. He nodded and said ok. At 10:30 he acted as if I had asked him to run a marathon and or clip off all his finger nails to the base. WTF???????? So needless to say we ended up arguing bc he thought that the basketball game was more important than spending time with me!! I went to my room seathing and he came in later (during a commercial break) to give me a kiss and say "you know I love you". Once I heard the game come back on he rushed back in the room like there was a fire. I finally fell asleep and then when I woke up at 5:15 for work I rose out of bed with full on RAGE! So here is the dilema that I need assitance with today. Here is the question I must ask all men and please dont get offended.......WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YA'LL??????

A beautiful woman wants to spend quality, uninterrupted, intimate time with you and you can't find the energy to peel your lazy ass off the couch to do it. I have DVR..record the damn game...then you can watch it and replay anything you want..you could watch it 85 times if your heart desires. You know what can't be DVR'd??? That's right...the same beautiful woman that wants to be with you. I am beyond angry...obviously! I tried to slam every item in my kitchen this morning to further reveal my anger. I gave no kiss goodbye this morning and I have no intentions of being the one to cave. I also left a note that said, "next time you wanna do what you did last night, why don't you actually slap me in the face bc that has to feel better...yep still really upset". Here is what I want.......................

I want an apology and that apology will be excepted in the form of...on your knees begging, flowers, a beautiful letter written about how sorry you are and how stupid you are for rejecting me and putting basketball in front of me, a clean house and my ipod downloaded (yeah that'll work) or a phone call at work stating your plan to make me not want to actually make your life a living hell for the next week.

Sorry for some of you boys to have to hear the inner workings of the female mind at a heightned state of hatred..it's not a pretty picture and I'm well aware of that but come on.....at least come up with a better excuse than the basketball game is on. Fake a damn stomach problem or something. The last thing on earth you ever want to do is reject a woman and let her feel that something must be wrong with her. There is nothing wrong with me...you are just an idiot!!!

I'm pretty sure that this anger will keep me highly functional all day and possibly the rest of the week unless something is done to calm it. I am going to lunch with The Board of Directors today (my gf's in case you forgot) and I'm not sure if I will have a full vent session but I do know that my plans for the rest of the day do not include seeing or doing anything for him.

The gym will be welcomed relief today and then the grocery store will take at least an hour. That will put me home just in time to not see him which will ensure that I don't kill him and then if I'm still super pissed off, I'm sure I will get done everything that I didn't get to finish this weekend. Anger is good for cleaning!

Boys are retarded and even after talking to my male co-workers about why all boys are in fact retarded...I feel no closer to understanding the complete lack of brain power that men live with. Watch out dude...the storm is coming!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH LIVID!!!! Stay tuned for what happens later....maybe watch for me on the 5 o'clock news (obvi I'm kidding..but seriously I'm pissed off if you didn't pick up on that)

Valentines Day: Curse or Actual Day of Love

I normally am not a big fan of V-Day...I always say "it's a lame excuse to do something nice for someone that you should be doing all year anyway". Seriously, I say that every year!! This day also makes me think about my V-Day's over the years. I thought I would share these stories with you...

In highschool I was just like any other blonde bitch (think Mean Girls) bc I treated boys like they were disposable so my V-Day's were usually spent by someone taking me out to dinner and confessing their love while I sat staring into space like a complete jerk. I know I know that sounded really awful...but I did have an "ah ha" moment at the beginning of college and no longer treated boys this way. My brother started liking girls and I realized that boys were human and had feelings.

In college I had the same BF all throughout so we spent V-Day going to dinner and exchanging presents. The only time we had a funny V-Day was my junior year of college when he told me to dress up really nice bc we were going to have a really special night. I freaked out! I had all hands on deck for that one. I had my friends so nervous that my roommates were standing right out side my door from the minute my BF got there just to see if they could hear a potential proposal going down. I ended up getting a 7 day cruise to the Carribbean from him for my pending 21st birthday. I cried sooo hard..mainly bc I was sooo happy that he didn't propose...I was only 20.

The next 3 years I spent V-Day with the "lonely hearts club" aka, my girlfriends. These probably consisted of staying in and cooking as to avoid the lovey dovey crowd all while getting rip roaring wasted! Always keepin it classy with ma ladies.

I do remember my next V-Day bc it was spent with my ex, the devil, and it was the tail end of our relationship so I ended up getting a VS gift card for an outfit that he acutally never saw...haha LOSER! He also paid for some laser hair removal that he also never got to see...I love every second of that thought..I just smiled! I also remember that it was not even a fun date...we were sooo over and I just didn't know it yet.

Last year was the the best and worst all rolled into 1. I have a friend that I used to date about 4 years ago and we still keep in touch. He wanted something more serious, I didn't..you know the rest. So he decided that he wanted to come in town for V-Day and he asked to take me out to dinner...I said yes. Over the next several weeks I was showered with presents. One week it was flowers, the next it was a custom made teddy bear, there was candy, and cards galore! The weekend he came I felt awful bc I realized that as hard as I tried, I just was not attracted to the guy. We have nothing in common! He took me to dinner and in the middle of dinner he told me that he wanted more and I again felt like a jerk bc I knew that I didn't. When he dropped me off I was sure that he would never want to talk to me again..I mean, he worked sooo hard and I just said "no thanks", I'm a jerk! A few days later is when my BF and I really started our relationship...so this year we are celebrating V-Day and our anniversary at the same time.

I'm not sure what we are doing but I do know that he told me that he has to meet his mom in order to get my present. I'm nervous and have called in my Board of Directors for some insight on this. What is the Board of Directors you ask?? My friends....we are a very exclusive group and decisions must be passed in front of the board before finalization. I'm clearly exaggerating but it's nice to throw something in front of people you love and trust for honest feedback..just sayin!

But really what I wan to say is this...V-Day is kinda stupid. Don't even think about it as a couples holiday. Think of it as a day to celebrate who ya love...your family, friends, pets, and most importantly...the gorgeous person staring back at you in the mirror!!

Life/Death/Love/Friends

Ok so I admit that I have totally been slacking in the "blog" department and I sware its for good reason. I've been busy..isn't that how it always goes? Anyway, I have a lot to catch up on so here goes...

So 2011 gives me a new lease on life and right when I think things are going great, we (my BF and I) got the news that his grandfather passed away. We jetted down to sunny Tampa, FL to attend the funeral. I have not been to a funeral since I was 7 years old and I was just in no way prepared for what I saw/experienced. It was an open casket and the sight of his grandfather laying there was just...well...scary! I tried really hard not to cry during the service bc I felt like I shouldn't. I had only met his grandfather once and I guess I was afraid that it would offend someone if I cried. So bc I didnt cry I got a raging headache due to the incessant biting of my lips, tongue, and even teeth grinding that had to occur in order for me not to cry. The weekend was exhausting but on the way home a crazy thing happened....the funeral made my BF think a lot about marriage.

We have talked about our future before but I am not the girl that runs the ship in that arena. I try to not bring it up directly but I ask questions about his take on finances, parenting, and religion so that I at least have an understanding about where his head is and if we are compatible. Well after the funeral he was talking about everything except a color scheme and the song list for the reception. It was crazy and awesome all at the same time. I have never heard a guy talk like that....he actually cares how that day goes down. It was adorable and it got me thinking about life/death/love/and friends.

Life...it's a muda fucka! Life never turns out the way we plan but sometimes it turns out better. A friend of mine just went through a breakup and as hard as a situation like that is...you can always try to find solace in the fact that it happened for a reason and at least you could be dodging a divorce with babies later down the line. I don't think my life has turned out the way I thought it would when I was in 5th grade and we had to pretend we were at a class reunion. I think I pretended that I was a model with a thriving career, married with 2 kids, all by the age of 25. But thats life and hey, I get to pretend I'm a model every time I go out with my girlfriends, I do have a thriving career (just not in modeling), I have 1 kid (my dog) and I'm still under 30.

Death is not cool....AT ALL! Funerals are not fun and I guess I didn't realize that before attending one. But it really got me thinking about the people in my life. My parents....I am definitely not ready to say goodbye to them and I don't think I ever will be but I am ready to be closer than ever with my siblings. My sister and I had a great conversation only days after the funeral and I told her that I can't wait for us to get older and take vacations with our families. My brother cracks me up and I am excited for him to start introducing us to his GF's. They dont stand a chance in hell between my sister and I. Haha just kidding Chase! And it also made me think about the other people in my family..extended family. It's just so cool that we are all connected. I guess the funeral made me think about making the most out of life and also giving time and attention to the people that will be there no matter what!

Love is what keeps us together! This is very true in the case of me and my BF. We do love each other and that's why we work out the little issues here and there. If I didn't love him and he didn't love me then we wouldn't keep coming back to this place everyday and for me that says a lot about our future as well. Love also makes me think a lot about my sister....I won't go into too much detail here bc that is a whole other post in itself. My sister needs love and I want to be able to love her the way sisters are meant to love. I feel like if I keep reaching out then we can start rebuilding. Stay tuned for that one!

And to my peeps, my girls, my confidants...you are my outlet! In a crazy world with death, love, addictions, and conflicts, you are the ones I turn to in order to give me a more logical perspective. The times I laugh the hardest have usually been with my girls. And the times I've cried the harderst has usually been with my girls too. I know that we all have moments where we get scared about how with this relationship turn out? What will I do if I have to start over? What will I do if he breaks my heart? What will I do if I don't "find" someone? If we can all agree that our circle is a safe place to land after every one of these falls then I think we are way ahead of the rest of the world. Muah!

Ok more to come soon. Happy Super Bowl weekend!