Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Calling ALL Troops!

Ok so under the advice of counsel, a.k.a some friends, I have decided to chronicle what is sure to be a very entertaining read. I am calling all troops on this one bc I finally ended the relationship I have been in for almost 2 years. I am 3 days in and so far....not that great. I basically got to the point where I decided I was not setting my bar very high. Never answering the phone, not knowing where he was, crying all alone and wondering who he was with and if he was in any way honoring the relationship. It's quite exhausting to be with someone like that and I guess I put up with it bc I wasn't ready to see that I deserve more....soooo much more!! So here is the emotional roller coaster I have been on thus far...

Day 1: Breakup happened in the morning so I spent the better half of the day crying my eyes out. The final straw came when I discovered that some of his "friends" were unaware that he was even in a committed relationship. Of course these "friends" were female and I find that this is no accident. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I found it impossible to eat anything while at work. The upside to people seeing you in pain is that they feel the need to tell you that you are beautiful, successful, wonderful, and will meet someone someday that will never make you feel unappreciated. I actually love this part bc it is quite nice to hear such endearing words. It also made me realize that I must be a pretty damn good person if everyone wanted to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear for venting. As the day approached its end at work, I got a call that "he" was at my house and I got soo nervous. Why did he go over there without asking me? Why did he feel he could just invade my space whenever he wanted. I guess that action was symbolic of our relationship....he got to do whatever he wanted and I just had to deal with it. I guess he was collecting his things and he was gone by the time I got home. I walked in, walked the dog, and walked out. I rushed over to a girlfriends house to avoid the awfulness of being alone in my house that he had just "de-boyfriended". I ate for the first time that day and even made a few jokes later that night. I was feeling proud as I went to bed that night. My friend looked and me and said. "Day 1 made it through". This was a beautiful phrase to end that day.

Day 2: I woke up at 5 am and felt a pit in my stomach. Did I dream it?? Did it really happen?? I went through my normal routine and then when I went to open the fridge, I lost it. I stood in the kitchen and cried for what seemed like an hour but then I wiped away my tears and headed to work. I am not gonna lie, I had to call 2 people on my way bc I just didn't think I could make it through my 40 min commute without getting talked all the way to the office. As I got to work I just felt defeated. Why did I let someone make me feel that way?? Why did I not walk away when he was texting other girls? Why did I not walk away when I could never get a hold of him? Maybe it was bc I wanted so badly for him to become the man I got glimpses of from time to time. The one that inspired me to have a closer relationship with God. The one that would talk to me about our issues. The man I walked away from was none of those things. He told me that he had been "over it for a year", and that conversations with me were "worse than conversations". These 2 phrases play over and over again in my head on Day 2 and I try to focus on the fact that its over and I dont have to doubt myself anymore. I try to focus on the fact that I don't have to worry about what he might do to me or against the relationship. I go get my oil changed during lunch and another moment of symbolism hits me right between the eyes. "He" had told me that he was going to fix my tail light bc the bulb was burned out. I believed that he fixed it. As the mechanic pulled out the bulb he said, "well hunny, someone lied to you bc this bulb is totally burned out". Huh, that mechanic had no idea that what he just said was beyond appropriate. I guess he could see the look of dissapointment on my face bc he leaned over and whispered, "it's ok, I won't charge ya for it". Day 2 ends with phone conversations with friends and very little sleep again....

Day 3: The drive in to work was tough again. Did I happen to mention that "he" lives across the street from me and I have to drive past his house every day. Yeah so I get to work and am feeling really stupid. I feel like he is just running around doing whatever he wants. I told him that I needed the week but after I hung up the phone and felt relieved..I knew it was over for good. Maybe he is thinking that I'm just upset and I'll get over it. Maybe he thinks that he is not sad at all bc he was apparently "over it for a year". I have decided to pull back the mask I have been wearing for almost 2 years and tell some of my close friends what was really going on behind closed doors. I feel guilty for not telling them, but I wanted soo badly for things to work. I wanted soo much for him to see what he was doing to me and to us, but I'm pretty confident now that those wishes are way to far from my reach. I want a partner! Someone who thinks of me and wants whats best for us not whats best for them. Ughhhh its soo frustrating to reapply mascara 20 times a day but it is what it is. I must say though that I am always blown away by my friends during these times. My friends have not missed a beat!! I am busy for the week and the weekend is seconds away from being completely planned. Week 1 if far from over but 3 days in and I'm still alive. 3 days in and I'm still hopeful that this is for the best. 3 days in and I'm feeling each day like I'm getting little peices back that I gave away. 3 days in and I think....I'm gonna be just fine :)

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